Note: It's only a fiction. It's not about me. I here can refer to anybody.
I decided to have me time that day. I was sitting in the corner of the cafe when a couple came. From their attitude and gesture toward each other i could say they're still in the first three months of their relationship. How could i say so?
The boy held her hand tightly. They just could not take off their eyes of each other. The boy blushed a bit and shook his head when she tickled him. It's like they thought there are only two of them living in this world. Love is in the air.
Too much sweetness i wanted to vomit.
So i distracted my self from the view in front of me. I tapped instagram icon on my phone. Turned out it was not a great idea. The first picture portrayed a friend of mine with his boyfi with Karmakandara beach as the background. What a perfect place to spend this summer holiday!
I scrolled down the screen. It was not much different. It was a picture of my best friend celebrating her 2nd anniversary.Yep. My timeline were fulled with friends uploading pictures with their boo. I ended up close instagram window on my phone.
I am not pathetic. I do not hate this condition. I am not lonely. I have tons of friends who light up my world as well. But it does not change the fact that i don't have a boyfriend. I do not curse this condition. I am enjoying every single time of this because i know i can never turn back the time.
Suddenly that question popped up inside my head again; A question that excite my soul as well. Why am i still single?
I took out my fuschia colored note book from ma bag and began to write down 'The perks of being single':
1. Less complicated
Having a relationship is consuming. It demands my time, energy and emotion to keep the feeling blossoming everyday. Since i am single, i don't have to think about that.
2. More time to develop myself.
I don't need to ask his concern about the things i want to do in my life. Back to point number one, i have more time for myself.
It continued to number 3, 4 ,5. And in less than 10 minutes i could fill in one page. Oh how i wish i could answer a question this quickly during exam!
I looked at it again. I looked at my messy handwriting. As i read it more and more, those point became so irrelevant. The fact is that i have a lot of friends whose relationship is healthy and supportive. A relationship that makes both man and woman grow in Christ as well. Realizing how narrow minded i was, i crossed those list.
My list about the perks of being single will only work in the destructive relationship. It depends on the relationship itself. It won't be a perk if we are in the right relationship. If we have found The One.
Yep. The One.
Sometimes when people ask why are you, me or we still single, the most common answer is "I have not found the one" with awkward laughter. If you've found the one. (underline, bold, caps lock, italic) If.
Let's ask this question to ourself. How can i know if someone is The one if i never try to open my heart a bit? How can i, if i never try to understand or at least know the simplest thing about that person? (I am saying this because love at the first sight is too good to be true to survive in this world.)
That's right, i will never find him if i keep doing the things i am doing now. I am trying so hard to kill any interest towards other guy. Deep inside i know i am sitting here still holding the pain from past. I ain't Augustus Waters who loves Hazel Grace. I ain't Gus who's ready to be hurt by her anytime. I am not ready to trust in someone and give all my heart. I don't have the courage to see myself breakdown cause of broken heart. I am afraid to start again. In that sec, i realized i am a coward. Perhaps, i am.
I closed my notebook and put it inside my bag again. I got the answers. Why am i still single?
Certainly, is not because i am ugly or i don't deserve to have boyfriend.
But, i simply enjoy being one. I choose to stay in this comfort zone where i believe there's no risk of getting hurt. Maybe i am a coward. But, at least i understand myself that i am not ready yet. :)
Forget the pain from past, because you deserve to love and to be loved. Fall in love when you're ready. So stay calm and faithfully waiting though most of your surrounding already have couple.
HE will heal your pain and always believe that the best is yet to come